Well screw this.
Anger, resentment, jealousy. The solidification of things that I have already realized.
Jen leaves this week. Since I have decided to be friends with her again, I figured- this will be a good week - we can hang out, and say our goodbyes. Fuck that. joe is coming to help her pack, and to help her drive to D.C. She has known for a few days. She has said nothing until tonight.
So, do I swallow my pride and give her a nice send off- or do I pull myself back and not be as close as we have been this month? I tend to think the latter. I am upset at the way that she talks about joe. She said she just found out that he will be coming to help her. I'm sorry, but the last time I checked - when someone asks you if you need help, and you say yes - you didn't "just find it out". You invited the person. The last few times she has had joe up, she has spoken about it as if there was nothing she could do - that he was just coming. And that hurts. She can't even admit to me that she wants him here.
Which brings me to my next point - its like she's trying to hide her feelings for him from me. She has been looking almost exclusively for work in the Washington D.C./Maryland area. joe lives in Annapolis, a few minutes away. She won't say it - but I know that she wants to be close to him. And it hurts me that she won't say it. She tells me that it isn't the primary reason that she is looking there, and I say thats bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Her not coming out and saying it makes me think that perhaps - maybe - just maybe - we still have a shot together. If she would come out and say that she wanted to be around him, it would help me move on. She is so afraid of burning bridges- so afraid of losing me as a friend - so afraid that I might not talk to her for a while...... meanwhile, this anger and resentment builds in me, and makes me not want to see her anymore.
Its over, and I know it is over.... but I am having a hard time letting go. We spent 4 years together.... so much time, that I had started saving money for an engagement ring.... and now it is over (and has been)..... but I still have a hard time letting go. I can't imagine dating anyone else, being with anyone else..... it tears me up inside when she is away, and it eats at me knowing that it is over when she is there next to me. And in a matter of days, she will be gone.
And in many ways, I hope she is gone for good. No more sugar coating it. Let me move on with my life. Let me rest in pieces. I started to do ok after not talking to her for a few weeks. I started to pull myself together. And now, I have never felt so much a man apart. It seems to me that she will be moving on, leaving me behind. Moving into the arms of joe. And I wait, wait for my break, wait for my job interviews, wait for the chance to leave this place, to pick up the pieces of my heart, and move along with my life.
Anger, resentment, jealousy. The solidification of things that I have already realized.
Jen leaves this week. Since I have decided to be friends with her again, I figured- this will be a good week - we can hang out, and say our goodbyes. Fuck that. joe is coming to help her pack, and to help her drive to D.C. She has known for a few days. She has said nothing until tonight.
So, do I swallow my pride and give her a nice send off- or do I pull myself back and not be as close as we have been this month? I tend to think the latter. I am upset at the way that she talks about joe. She said she just found out that he will be coming to help her. I'm sorry, but the last time I checked - when someone asks you if you need help, and you say yes - you didn't "just find it out". You invited the person. The last few times she has had joe up, she has spoken about it as if there was nothing she could do - that he was just coming. And that hurts. She can't even admit to me that she wants him here.
Which brings me to my next point - its like she's trying to hide her feelings for him from me. She has been looking almost exclusively for work in the Washington D.C./Maryland area. joe lives in Annapolis, a few minutes away. She won't say it - but I know that she wants to be close to him. And it hurts me that she won't say it. She tells me that it isn't the primary reason that she is looking there, and I say thats bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Her not coming out and saying it makes me think that perhaps - maybe - just maybe - we still have a shot together. If she would come out and say that she wanted to be around him, it would help me move on. She is so afraid of burning bridges- so afraid of losing me as a friend - so afraid that I might not talk to her for a while...... meanwhile, this anger and resentment builds in me, and makes me not want to see her anymore.
Its over, and I know it is over.... but I am having a hard time letting go. We spent 4 years together.... so much time, that I had started saving money for an engagement ring.... and now it is over (and has been)..... but I still have a hard time letting go. I can't imagine dating anyone else, being with anyone else..... it tears me up inside when she is away, and it eats at me knowing that it is over when she is there next to me. And in a matter of days, she will be gone.
And in many ways, I hope she is gone for good. No more sugar coating it. Let me move on with my life. Let me rest in pieces. I started to do ok after not talking to her for a few weeks. I started to pull myself together. And now, I have never felt so much a man apart. It seems to me that she will be moving on, leaving me behind. Moving into the arms of joe. And I wait, wait for my break, wait for my job interviews, wait for the chance to leave this place, to pick up the pieces of my heart, and move along with my life.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home