And then it happened.

I was doing fine. I made a to-do list on Monday, and I accomplished a lot. I have put extra focus upon my diet - now that I am used to eating healthy foods, I am going to focus upon when, and how much of each food. I played some guitar, I went over my bills. I was doing well.

And then it happened. My cell rang today at 1:31pm. Jen. I answered, she asked how I was - if I was at work, and if I could talk. I told her I was at work, and wouldn't be able to talk until at least 4:30. She asked if she could call back. I consented. And then it was over. And the rest of my evening has been a blur. I spoke with Rodger, we left work and went for a walk and we talked.

I listened to Rodger, to what he had to say, to his advice and to his questions. I drew my own conclusions, and had my own questions - none of which can be answered by anyone but myself.

My biggest question has arisen: do I let Jen back into my life? I seem to have been doing fine, but am I really? I feel that Jen and I have unfinished business. She obviously isn't done with me, and I have never felt done with her. But am I kidding myself - saying that I'm allright? Am I really? Am I pretending that I am, but only avoiding the wound that burns within me?

I don't ever intend to replace Jen. I don't believe she is replaceable. She has left a gaping hole in my being, one that I have been trying to patch since the day she told me she wanted to be with someone else. I can patch it with friends, with Clare, or Amy, or with trips to the landing strip, but I don't know that I can fill it alone.

.......

Jen called me back while in the middle of this post. I spent the last hour talking to, and know now even less than I did earlier today. She has been thinking a lot about me lately - enough that she had to call and tell me. She misses her best friend, and is unsure that she made the right decision. She has been dating Joe for a while now, but says it doesn't feel the same... because it isn't me. She misses me, and wants to be with me, but not necessarily that way. She isn't ready to make that decision yet.

But she knows that she is coming back to Ann Arbor in a year to finish school. Next september she will be here..... in the mean time, she will be in Cali at home. She doesn't want a long distance relationship, so that means that she and Joe may be finished.... and it will also keep her from having that relationship with me....

And as my cell's battery drained, I wound down the conversation. I suggested we take some time to think, and that I would call her later this week. And then I told her the truth: told her that no matter how bad she hurt me, I don't care, because I haven't stopped loving her.