So.
Amy is gone (she left Friday). And I'm single again. Blah blah blah. Lets get to the subject at hand. Jen.
Jen and I spoke on the phone again, and I told her I can't be her friend while she is trying out a relationship with another guy. Too hard for me. No thanks. I can't do it. Plus, I wouldn't be a good friend to her. I'd constantly be trying to undermine that relationship. No. I can't be her friend. In a couple months, Joe is going to be assigned to go somewhere (the Navy does that). Jen will make a decision then as to whether or not to continue seeing him. I told her I can't be her friend until she makes that decision, and even then, I don't know that I can.
See, the problem is that I have lost my trust in her. I don't trust her feelings, and I don't trust what she tells me. The only way I can regain that trust is for her to be here and to show me that she means what she says. She'll be here in 1 year. In the mean time, I have to live my life as if there was no Jen. I don't think I can stand calling and talking to her and not being with her. It upsets me too much. I think that when she calls in a few months, that I will tell her no - please don't call, we can't be friends.
Its going to hurt her, and I know its going to hurt me. But I think it is what I need. I saw what happened when she called. Thoughts started popping into my head about getting back together, about being with her again. If that happens a year from now, fine. I have no problem with that. But I'm not going to forego this next year in the hopes that I can have a relationship with her. I've been doing a lot of thinking on it, and I'm done. It hurts a lot. But I'm done.
That being said, I need time to get back to whats important: ME. After this whole Jen thing, and after Amy left, I decided it was time to start fresh. So, I went to Marshall Fields and bought some new Calvin Klein underwear ($20 each), and new polo undershirts, and gold toe socks, and a new bottle of Cologne. What better way to start over? I started working out again yesterday: Abs and chest. Today: Arms. I am reading at least 30 minutes to an hour each night, as I have 4 PC security books I want to read (2 that I have to), and I have a book on Web coding to read. Throw in a Men's Health magazine, and I have a full plate of reading. Another goal is to learn the guitar fretboard better. I am getting better at playing - I just learned Clapton's Tears in Heaven... but I need more of the guitar theory side. I am going to try to spend 30 minutes per evening on guitar: 15 on fretboard and theory, and 15 on playing songs I know.
As far as girls go, I'm going to let myself calm down for roughly 2 weeks. I will hopefully by then be fully recovered emotionally, and will be pumped from all the self-improvement that I'll be doing. Then I will challenge myself to do something different. I don't know what yet, but I will challenge myself. I will also stop putting off important things, like oil changes and a Dr visit for an STD test. I feel that I should get one just because - not because of any burning sensations or anything serious, but because I was with someone new this summer, and I think its time. $58 at planned parenthood well spent, I think.
I'm working on a new positive mood - ready for anything, willing to try new things. Time to grab em and do it my way.
Amy is gone (she left Friday). And I'm single again. Blah blah blah. Lets get to the subject at hand. Jen.
Jen and I spoke on the phone again, and I told her I can't be her friend while she is trying out a relationship with another guy. Too hard for me. No thanks. I can't do it. Plus, I wouldn't be a good friend to her. I'd constantly be trying to undermine that relationship. No. I can't be her friend. In a couple months, Joe is going to be assigned to go somewhere (the Navy does that). Jen will make a decision then as to whether or not to continue seeing him. I told her I can't be her friend until she makes that decision, and even then, I don't know that I can.
See, the problem is that I have lost my trust in her. I don't trust her feelings, and I don't trust what she tells me. The only way I can regain that trust is for her to be here and to show me that she means what she says. She'll be here in 1 year. In the mean time, I have to live my life as if there was no Jen. I don't think I can stand calling and talking to her and not being with her. It upsets me too much. I think that when she calls in a few months, that I will tell her no - please don't call, we can't be friends.
Its going to hurt her, and I know its going to hurt me. But I think it is what I need. I saw what happened when she called. Thoughts started popping into my head about getting back together, about being with her again. If that happens a year from now, fine. I have no problem with that. But I'm not going to forego this next year in the hopes that I can have a relationship with her. I've been doing a lot of thinking on it, and I'm done. It hurts a lot. But I'm done.
That being said, I need time to get back to whats important: ME. After this whole Jen thing, and after Amy left, I decided it was time to start fresh. So, I went to Marshall Fields and bought some new Calvin Klein underwear ($20 each), and new polo undershirts, and gold toe socks, and a new bottle of Cologne. What better way to start over? I started working out again yesterday: Abs and chest. Today: Arms. I am reading at least 30 minutes to an hour each night, as I have 4 PC security books I want to read (2 that I have to), and I have a book on Web coding to read. Throw in a Men's Health magazine, and I have a full plate of reading. Another goal is to learn the guitar fretboard better. I am getting better at playing - I just learned Clapton's Tears in Heaven... but I need more of the guitar theory side. I am going to try to spend 30 minutes per evening on guitar: 15 on fretboard and theory, and 15 on playing songs I know.
As far as girls go, I'm going to let myself calm down for roughly 2 weeks. I will hopefully by then be fully recovered emotionally, and will be pumped from all the self-improvement that I'll be doing. Then I will challenge myself to do something different. I don't know what yet, but I will challenge myself. I will also stop putting off important things, like oil changes and a Dr visit for an STD test. I feel that I should get one just because - not because of any burning sensations or anything serious, but because I was with someone new this summer, and I think its time. $58 at planned parenthood well spent, I think.
I'm working on a new positive mood - ready for anything, willing to try new things. Time to grab em and do it my way.
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